"Manhattan offers worship services at all hours of the day, with some places bearing witness to the Good News till 4 a.m.—not to mention all those millions of nonbelievers walking around to convert—and a young player with a healthy thirst for Christianity could really have himself some fun here," said Jets coach Rex Ryan, adding that the sheer number of churches in New York means Tebow could tithe himself into bankruptcy if he’s not careful.
Guest HIMYM Alternate Endings #12: The Onion helps Ted remember
“Kids, so the year was … damn, what year was it? No, wait, Marshall and Lily were … nope, you know what, let’s start at the beginning. In 2005, I was living with Marshall in New York City …”
For the 70th anniversary of Pearl Harbor, The Onion’s takedown of the movie. (via Pearl Harbor’s Historical Innacuracies | The Onion - America’s Finest News Source)
Ever want to shake your baby, but worried about the legal consequences? Fret no more!
It won’t happen every day, of course. In fact, it’ll hardly happen at all. But it will happen, because sooner or later your back will be turned while you’re talking to your neighbor about the new restaurant that just opened where that Tex-Mex place used to be, and your 3-year-old will slip out onto the patio, pop open the screen door, and toddle into the water.
The Boss’ Mars miners sci-fi concept album
Springsteen says the album taps into the real feelings of blue-collar Martians, humans, and humanoids alike. “I try to write about universal feelings and desires,” Springsteen continued. “There’s tragedy, grief, redemption. But there’s also nostalgia for one’s carefree younger days of racing souped-up hyper-thrust cruisers through the Valles Marineris canyon, and for nights spent chasing Martian girls along the rusting boardwalks of a crater-side spaceport.” (via Bruce Springsteen Releases New Sci-Fi Concept Album About Struggles Of Poor Miners Working On Mars | The Onion - America’s Finest News Source)
Imagine a life in which there’s always a jamboree, it’s always a sunny day, and no one ever troubles you for anything," said 46-year-old Cleveland native Charley Hale. "You never have to pay taxes, and all you really have to do is blow in a jug a few times, sing some dumb words, and happily smile away with your pretty animatronic girl bear at your side.
Study: 96 Percent Of Humans Would Rather Be Animatronic Bear | The Onion - America’s Finest News Source